Older Lady

The other day I was called an ‘older lady’ and it stung. I just don't see myself as an older lady. ‘Older Lady’ is what I call people ten years older than me. Which is interesting because when I was in my 20s, an ‘older lady’ was about my current age. So, I guess the bar moves as I gain years. ‘Older’ suddenly has this fluid and flexible meaning that bends at the will of my current age in any given year.

I remember my granddaddy, in his late 80s at the time, refer to another person as ‘old.' Legitimately, the person was over 80 years old but really granddaddy ... old? So, if that person is old, what are you, granddaddy? What ARE YOU?

It’s amazing how we perceive each other and ourselves and how we perceive each other in relation to ourselves.

The person who called me an "older lady" is around 20 years old. I am more than double her age, so she was within her right, allowed, and honestly authorized to call me older. But, it was the first time I had heard these words directed at me (perhaps this is how people describe me when I am not around), and it took my breath away. I quietly gasped and then gathered myself, so that I can be present for the rest of the conversation. It felt like a blow to the chest. And I know why it hit me like this. The temporary paralysis was caused by my obsession with youth. Not so much, youth culture but definitely the vigor and vibrancy of youth and more importantly the attention and regard to youthful perspective. Look, I just miss how most everything was created for my liking. My disgust with getting and being older is a direct result of the culture in which I live. A culture that if not now, but very soon will lose so much interest in my opinions, my needs, my wrinkles, my stories, that I may become virtually invisible.

As a Black woman, I’m pretty much ignored or even worse only seen and valued as a laborer or as part of a group that’s already othered and discarded. My existence is typically only acknowledged for what I can do for someone else, and adding aging to the mix increases the likelihood of depression, anxiety, and insecurity being part of my middle and golden ages. In the culture of which I am an active member, ‘old’ means, less desirable in all ways. My ideas are likely to garner fewer positive reactions or even the slightest interest. I'm seen as less beautiful, void of sexuality and sex appeal.

Here’s the thing. I don’t view myself as old. I don’t feel old but ...

BUT things have changed. I do have less energy. IS THIS what old feels like? IS that what feeling old means and am I in denial? My skin IS drier. My hair IS grayer. It is easier to gain and keep weight on and increasingly harder to shed fat and build muscle. I make strange noises when I stand from the couch. My body has changed.

My interest in trying to understand an ever evolving language has decreased significantly. I admit, that when reading the writings of teenagers and twenty-year-olds, I have had to google a word, acronym, sentence or two. I’ll even admit, I’ve never been an early adopter. There are many reasons for this, and perhaps I’ll write about it at another time but my motivation to jump on the newest technology just isn't there. I can’t keep up the pace, and I don’t want to keep up. The difference is I’ve given up trying to know everything. I’m in my technological and language lane. I’m staying here. Isn’t that an ‘older lady’ thing to say? Stubbornness is an old person trait, right? My attitude has changed.

And as much as I have worked to break free from society's obsession with defining me and my internalization of these mostly false characterizations of getting older, I find myself in a new position with more work to do.

My newest work is owning my old and my age. Reinventing what it means to be my old and to be my age. Releasing the ancient definition of middle agedness that I had willingly accepted. Embracing my new beauty and this new body. Relishing in the wisdom and knowledge I've gained.

Yes, I am older and theoretically, I have reached the halfway mark of this life. But, the rest of this life will be focused on being and viewing myself as an asset if only for my benefit.

This newer lady will not be ignored.

#older #old #UranussquareUranus #middleage